Last.Damn.Call

Griff: “What’s wrong, McFly? Chicken?!” (makes clucking sounds)
Marty: “What did you call me?”
Griff: “Chicken, McFly!”
Marty: “Nobody… calls me… chicken.”

In Back to the Future, the main character (Marty) gets really upset when someone calls him a chicken. His demeanor changes. He sees red. He can’t help himself but to lash out. Fights ensue.

I still have some issues with phrases that set me off. One being: “How do you not know?” Second being: “Don’t you remember?”

I loathe even typing those out, let alone hearing them directed at me. An accusation. A questioning of my intelligence. And this is absolutely a “Lindsey” problem. Not anyone else’s.

I cannot tell you how many things I forgot when I was drinking. I seriously felt like I had early onset dementia. Maybe I did. Or do. But it was the alcohol and lack of sleep and stupidity making everything so fuzzy. I got asked a lot, “Don’t you remember…I told you…blah blah…” And I didn’t. And it was embarrassing. And I really hated myself for it every day. So, I did what a lot of dementia patients do and tried to fill in the blanks. I would even write notes to myself as to not forget certain things. That is so scary reflecting back on. But that was my reality. Or my distorted one.

I don’t like remembering feeling like that. It’s still very fresh. Even 2 years later.

So today, I had a moment. A flash of seeing red. My face got hot. I had to call about an old retirement plan I had with an old job that I burned a lot of bridges with. I was speaking to a total stranger–someone with the investment company. He asked me all the things–social security, birthdate, reference # on the letter, etc. Then he asked me for either my date of hire or when I left the company. I had no idea. Not even a year to tell him.

“How do you not know?” He said the words. He friggin’ uttered those words. Maybe he could have put it more delicately. In all fairness, how do I not know?! That’s a perfectly normal question that a normal person should know. But not me. Not from that time in my life.

I was so very close to yelling, “Because I was a drunk! I don’t recall a lot from that time period!” Followed by other choice words. Instead, I hung up. Rude? Yes. Could I have been ruder? Yes. It was like calling Michael J Fox a “chicken” in Back to the Future. I simply decided to end the call rather than work myself into a frenzy.

So, then I had to sort through old emails from a job I ruined. My drinking had 100% killed my reputation there, and here I sat. Reading back through emails to the head boss lady asking about things I won’t even share. Making excuses for my behavior and lack of work performance. It hurt. It also reminded me of how far I have come yet again. Maybe I needed reminded of what my life looked like before. To reiterate how different I am now. It still hurt. But that’s OK. It’s a hurt that I created and one I have bounced back from.

Moral of the story is I think we all have a phrase or a name or a word that can send us off the rails. Before you go flying off into God knows where…stop and think. Is this a YOU problem or a THEM problem? There is no way that man who was simply doing his job had any idea how his wording would affect a recovering alcoholic. He had no idea he was speaking to someone with that past. I took it personally because of my past. Not his. And he had no way of knowing.

Out of curiosity, do you have any phrases that make you feel “less than” or “incompetent”? Just humor me here. Leave a comment and share. We can either laugh or cry or agree or just know we aren’t alone in our temporary “chicken” moments of life:)

Link to book. I also have copies on hand if you’d like to buy directly from me!

LAST.DAMN.CALL.: M. Cox, Lindsey: 9798299331349: Amazon.com: Books