Last.Damn.Call

As a person with a little recovery time under her belt, I often get asked how to best help people who are struggling with addiction. Usually, it is a concerned family member such as a worn-out parent of an addict or a frustrated relative of an alcoholic family member. The answer is: I don’t know the answer.

If I could magically tell you if and when your person of concern will stop, believe me, I would. That would give so many people much needed answers. But I cannot.

So, I get asked…what can we do to stop them? Or to get them help? Along with a bunch of other questions…very important questions. And possible answers. Ones that could help families sleep at night. Ones that could prevent a lot of heartache and tears and stress levels of enormous proportions.

I don’t know is my answer. I just don’t. Just like I never knew how I would ever get better. Or how my spouse would fall seriously ill, and that would ultimately be his answer. Or how my sister still succumbed to her disease having gone to treatment twice. How I don’t know how people come from great homes and still end up addicted and homeless and couch surfing. Or how people come from nothing and rise above and never have a drop to drink in their life. I don’t know any of these things.

So, a few things I do know: Rock bottom looks different for everyone. For some, it is losing a job. For others, it is becoming homeless. For some, turning to prostitution or stealing or ending up in jail…that doesn’t even seem to be rock bottom for them…Yet. It is very difficult to explain these things to someone who has never personally struggled with addiction. We all know someone who has drank themself to death or ended up in jail more times than you care to count.

If you look at it this way…think of what you would or wouldn’t do for your child (or parents or whoever you would “do anything for.”) If your child or best friend or whatever were facing dire consequences for whatever reason…maybe they hit a car and ran…no one was injured or seriously harmed. (Keep the hypothetical situation simple and realistic). Let’s just pretend they were going to spend a year in real big-boy (or gal) prison unless you lied for them. Little white lie that said the other car was at fault, for example. Would you do it? If it protected your normally well-rounded, hard-working, kind, caring friend from going to prison? Maybe. Just maybe you would. Maybe I would, too.

So going with this little white lie example, you bailed them out this one time. Did them a solid, right? Never going to lie again for them. It stressed you out, kept you up at night, went against your beliefs, etc. What happens the next time they need bailed out? You did it for them once, so why not do it again? They really are sorry. They didn’t mean to. They have finally learned their lesson…do you see how easy it is becoming for you to become their easy way out, their scapegoat, their life preserver? It begins to snowball. And you may not even realize it.

I can now somewhat understand how it feels to worry endlessly about a loved one lost in addiction. I am sorry I ever placed that burden on someone I loved. What a shitty, soul-sucking thing to do. I see it over and over again when families and friends reach out with those questions, “What do we do? How can we help them? When will they stop?”

Rock bottom is a terrible place to be. But lots of people have started there and worked their way out of that hole. Would you rather your loved one’s rock bottom be the fact that you told them you couldn’t be in their life anymore unless they sought help? Or would you rather their rock bottom literally be a dark hole in the ground that they are lowered into after too many times of not being told, “No.” Death is the ultimate rock bottom. And, once they reach that…well, there’s no longer a need to think about how, when, or if to tell them to get help or to say no or whatever. You no longer even have the option to be seen as “the bad guy” to your loved one.

Giving people you love and care about real consequences and telling them no or encouraging them to get help is so, so hard. But you know what…so is standing at their gravesite watching them being lowered into the ground. I have buried 2 parents and a sister, so I know this reality all too well.

If you believe nothing else I have said here, believe this: I would rather have people alive and well and mad at me for the remainder of my time left here in this life than to bury another loved one because we (enablers in general) couldn’t tell them no. I will stand by that for as long as I live.

Something anyone can do that is free and easy–pray like hell they find the help they need. Never stop praying. And never lose hope.