Last.Damn.Call

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! If you were my pet, I would spray you with a squirt bottle. Like when you want to teach the cat or dog to stay off the countertops in the kitchen. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just a little wake up call to quit doing the naughty habit.

As usual, the dictionary is my friend. Hell, my “social” life isn’t booming right now between doing the crap normal adults do like working and caring for family. Books can be considered friends too, I guess. If that’s the case, just call me…well, insert some well-known socialite’s name here. I don’t know any. Here’s the definition of self-pity, and it ain’t pretty: excessive, self-absorbed unhappiness over one’s own troubles. Yuck. What a gross word. I always say I think being pitied is one of the worst things I can imagine, but I had never really thought of it in context of relating to myself. I always focused on what it meant to pity others.

But the definition suggests that it means you are self-centered and sad. So, in a nutshell that was me in my drinking days. And when I look at other alcoholics and addicts, this does ring true. We (as in self-pitiers if that’s a word) are so wrapped up in why nothing goes our way. How others have more than us. How we never quite fit in. How others are doing just fine while we are struggling. Well, guess what? Snap out of it, you selfish a-hole. I just spritzed you with the water bottle.

“Why does this always happen to me?” Well, have you ever sat down and actually thought about the real reason? For me, in the past, all roads led back to me. Occasionally it was someone else’s doing to some extent but mostly little ole Lindsey. Self-examination is stupid hard. Taking a good long look in the mirror and seeing all the things. The good, the bad, the ugly, the whatever. But it is absolutely necessary to do just that in order to stop this beast called self-pity.

I read that self-pity causes us to forget that other people have problems. We get so damned focused on our own problems that we forget that others have it way worse. Do you know that when I was bad, and I mean really bad that I would cry when people didn’t answer my phone calls. Don’t you dare for one second feel bad or apologize. I will drive over there in my bathrobe right now (it’s 4 a.m.) and squirt you with my spray bottle. And you know why you didn’t pick up the phone when I called? I didn’t even want to talk to me, so I GET IT. Who wants to talk to a sad, “oh poor pitiful me” or “woe is me person”? Not me. And no smartass, I am not talking about when someone dies, or you are truly having the random bad day. That happens to everyone, and everyone needs a friend. I am talking about the constant living in self-pity “emergency phone calls”. Its exhausting. And no one likes a perpetual Debbie Downer. (sorry to all the Debbies out there, I just like the phrase).

So how do you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It’s not an instant fix, but it’s pretty friggin close. Simple things like facing your feelings. Well, maybe that’s not that simple. But like always, put on them big girl panties and actually feel your feelings. I ain’t sayin’ you have to roll around and cry in the bathroom floor and be all dramatic. I mean do just that if it helps. But actually, feel sad or mad or guilty or whatever it is and then move on. Don’t just ignore your inner voice and say you are ok when you are anything but ok. We are so conditioned for whatever reason to put on a brave face and smile and sweep our feelings under the rug. I realize we have jobs to do and people to be around, but at the end of the day, your job is to take care of you as well. That is not self-centered, that is called self-care. There is a difference.

From 9 Ways to Get Past Self-Pity | Psychology Today (I borrowed 3 of these I felt were very helpful, but feel free to go to the link listed to see them all)

Recognize Warning Signs of the Downward Spiral

When you focus on everything that is going wrong, your thoughts become exaggeratedly negative, and those thoughts will negatively affect your behavior if you dwell on them. The combination of negative thinking and inactivity fuels further feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people recognize when they are at risk of becoming caught in a downward spiral and take action to prevent themselves from living a pitiful life.

They Refuse to Complain

Venting to other people about the magnitude of your problems fuels feelings of self-pity. Mentally strong people don’t try to gain sympathy from others by complaining about their difficult circumstances. Instead, they either take action to make things better, or accept the situations that they cannot change.

They Maintain an Optimistic Outlook

Some of life’s problems cannot be prevented or solved. The loss of loved ones, natural disasters, and certain health conditions are problems most of us will face at one time or another, but mentally strong people keep an optimistic outlook about their ability to handle whatever life throws their way.

I don’t expect to fix us all in an instant. Really, we don’t need fixing. Just a little mending. A few touch-ups. But what if everyone who read this (all 40 of you;) took something from this and applied it to their lives? A tiny little step in the right direction. Self-pity may very well be selfish. It’s also a self-made-hell to live in. Unmake it. Find something or someone to be grateful for today. Hell, I don’t care if it’s the fact that you woke up on time or that you were able to zip your oh-too-tight pants this morning. Don’t let self-pity rule you. It’s a terrible ruler. An unforgiving one. A relentless one. And you are the only one who has the power over it. Buy yourself a little squirt bottle and spray yourself every time you start down the “oh, woe is me” path. You’ll either learn to cut down on your self-pitying or walk around looking like a drowned cat. The choice is yours.