Last.Damn.Call

“Giving up is the only sure way to fail.” — Gena Showalter

My husband is reading this Post 30 Devotional, and while it is really dedicated to a man’s study of recovery and the Bible, I have found it to be a very good, easy read. (I recommend you check it out).

To give credit where credit is due, the book says, “Failure is the starting line for a comeback.” Well, I never really thought about it that way. But if you think about it, nothing would have ever been invented if the inventor tried once, failed, and gave up. Trial and error. Great athletes wouldn’t exist if they never experienced losses…they learn, get stronger, become more efficient, enhance their technique…great athletes accept failures as a challenge.

Let me be honest…Failure in recovery sucks. There is no gentle way to put it. The biggest failure in recovery I would assume (for most) is a relapse. While (thank God) I have not experienced that, I have met plenty of people who have. Zero judgment. It happens.

So, what does an addict or alcoholic do when they relapse? Well, I think it depends heavily on how much they have learned. What they have kept in their tool kit so to speak. Call their sponsor. Shake it off and start back at day one. Pray about it. Possibly take another trip to rehab. Some just stay stuck. They just do what people do a lot of the times when they perceive a failure is so big…they just give up.

But I have seen people with years, sometimes decades of sobriety, show back up at an AA meeting and say, “I messed up. X, Y, and Z happened, and I slipped.” And you know how 99% of fellow AA’ers respond? They welcome them back. Tell them it’s good to see them. Offer support. And then life moves on. I have very rarely seen a member roll their eyes or make a snide comment. This may not be the most popular opinion, but when someone is ugly or shitty to the brave person admitting their setback, I want to smack the shit out of them (who made you the friggin’ jury and judge of all us misfits?) I don’t lash out, but seriously, we all got here for being drunken asshats, so why would it surprise you that one of us might fall? Get over yourself. Be supportive or just be silent. Either option is fine.

Learn something from your failure. Isn’t that what our entire life is about? Trying things, adjusting, trying something different, until we figure out what works? As recovering addicts/alcoholics, we finally figured out it was pure insanity to think we could continue our ways and expect different outcomes. We had to make some changes. Some major and some smaller. It’s called growth.

I say, never let a mistake rule your reality. That’s what drunks do. We use those failures as an excuse to drink more. Validate it somehow. Guess what that fixes? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. When “normal” people make mistakes (meaning non-addicts) they try to fix it. Whatever that may entail. Apologizing to someone. Fixing something that was broken. Mending whatever needs mending whether that be a relationship, a physical object, a situation, whatever.

We all fail! We do, sorry about it. It is how you make your come back that matters. How do you resolve the failure? How do you come back better and stronger and smarter? LEARN something dammit, and use that knowledge not to screw up that way again. That’s why being teachable is so damn important. We say “Progress over Perfection” often in recovery. And that’s what I am talking about. No one is perfect (duh). But progress is totally something anyone can strive for. It can go as slow or fast as needed. It can be tiny things or huge things like accepting responsibility for something that could cost you a friendship or a job or God knows what.

I look at it this way…when I was drinking, I hated owning up to anything. Because I might have to admit I had a problem. With sobriety, I no longer feel like a child getting ready to enter the principal’s office at any moment. I don’t have to hide from failures or mistakes. There is an amazing freedom about that. It works to my advantage a lot (and not in a sinister kind of way). But think about it. If I forget to finish something at work, I can be totally honest and say, “Holy crap. It totally slipped my mind, and I will take care of that asap.” In the past, in the back of my mind, this voice would be whispering, “Yeah, because you’re a drunk who forgets everything.” There is an indescribable freedom that comes with not having to hide my mistakes because deep down I knew the real reason I failed was a direct result of my stupid alcoholic mind.

What I want to say to anyone who is a human and reading this is: We all fail. Some people get back up. Some don’t. Which type of person do you want to be? It is totally up to you. Let’s be honest…comebacks are awesome. When the good guy falls down in a movie or we think the leading lady might have perished in a house fire…we all cheer when they appear back on the screen, emerging from the chaos or flames. Someone, somewhere is watching you and cheering for you to keep going. Depending on your view on life, it may be a person, God, a guardian angel, or just your own inner voice–but you all know that little voice I am talking about. Telling you to brush yourself off and start over. Get back up, dammit. This isn’t how it ends! Emerge from those flames and come back stronger, wiser, and more resilient.

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” — Albert Einstein