Last.Damn.Call

Before you start thinking how vastly different these two concepts are, ask yourself this: Can you be grateful and hateful at the same time?

Hmmmm. Interesting. I have spent a lot of time in my life being hateful. Let me be clear–this is not some mean girl image that I want to come to mind. I think I have always tried to be a good person and help others. What I mean by hateful is not imposing anger and hate on others (which it can most certainly imply) but I mean being full of anger and resentment. Sometimes even directing those feelings at one’s own self. A self-hate of sorts.

Sure, I have been resentful (hateful) toward people from my life. My sister for not finding a way to recover. For marrying the wrong people to attempt to fill some sense of purpose and happiness. For dying without some final sisterly closure. That’s a Lindsey thing. Holding onto that resentment or hate is like punching myself in the gut over and over. No one getting hurt but me. Self-inflicted pain.

I have been resentful toward my parents in the past (and even now that they are no longer here) for being absolute trainwrecks. And guess who was watching their own parents become an accident waiting to happen…my own children. Humans don’t always recognize when they become something they despised about their own upbringing. Call it stupidity, ignorance, selfishness, or an illness. The thoughts of “well, it could be worse. At least, I don’t ____________”. A constant little reminder to yourself that you aren’t becoming something you were never going to become. A lie you tell yourself so many times that it blurs into some sort of twisted truth in your head. A validation.

I read that jealousy, failure, and guilt can cause a person to be hateful. I mentally checked off each of those boxes in my head easily when I thought of situations where I felt those things–jealousy, sure. Failure, yep. Guilt–absolutely. What an ugly combo of feelings: a guilty, jealous failure. Drinking Lindsey 1000%.

Let’s talk about being grateful. That’s where the good stuff is. Not always the easiest way to think…but most things worth a damn take some effort.

You cannot be grateful and hateful at the same time. Read that again.

I quickly wrote down some things that come to mind when I hear the word grateful or gratitude and here goes: Optimistic, Opportunities, Lightness, Increased Growth, Beauty Seeing and Seeking, Hope, Honesty, Open Minded, Easier, Future, Godly, Sanity, and Sense of Community and Belonging.

Here’s how my hateful list goes: Closed Off, Ugliness, No Growth, Heaviness, Fear, Lonely, Isolated, Distrusting, Overwhelmed, Removed from God, Difficult, Enemies, Dread, See or Create Roadblocks, Suffocating, Sadness, Anger.

Now try to mentally match or pair something from the hateful list to something on the grateful list. Doesn’t work, does it? So, no, I do not think you can truly be grateful and hateful in the same moment, place, time, situation, thought, conversation, whatever.

Is it easier to see the bad? Focus on the hate in the world? Does it make you a more productive person? A better friend, family member, colleague, neighbor, or just person in general?

When you focus on the good…the positive things in your life, whatever that may be, you see more good in your life. And you feel better. And you fight off the negativity a little easier.

I know if I drive to work thinking about all the things I need to do and how I am going to get them done and what coworker isn’t going to show up or do their job…I start to get frustrated with drivers on the road. I start thinking about something someone said that made me mad. I start thinking about my bank account and what bills to prioritize. I start thinking about how I should have started the washer before I left the house and how behind I am on laundry. I am traveling down a shitty spiral of shitty thinking that leads nowhere good. FAST. All due to that thing (that silly brain of mine) inside my head going 100mph, spinning stories of woe is me and worst-case scenarios.

So, you know what I have started doing? One of two things or a combination of both. I start naming all the things good in my life (or morning or week or whatever). I will literally say out loud, “I have a heated home in this cold ass weather. I have a car with gas in it. My kids got to school on time. My husband texted me that he made it to work and he loves me.” Then sometimes it moves into more of a prayer/giving thanks. “God, thank you for keeping me safe on this commute. Thank you for letting the snow melt to make this easier. Thank you for another day sober. Thank you for letting this asshole behind me finally pass because I was about to flip back into negative mode.”

I absolutely say all of those things or something very similar every morning. Naughty words and all. Thanking God and all. Remembering I am sober. I no longer have the obsession of an addiction driving my every thought. Every motive. Every everything. And I quickly slip back into grateful mode. It really doesn’t take much effort. It doesn’t. We just fight to stay angry or mad or upset sometimes for whatever asshat reason. Stubborn, alcoholic Lindsey 1000% again.

It’s kind of like when something intense happens…someone yells at someone or a confrontation breaks out. If you have ever been in that situation, and someone starts laughing or cracks a joke, the situation shifts, doesn’t it? The mood lightens. Jaws unclench. It’s no different with your own inner conversations and thoughts. I have tried many times in my life to be deadly serious about something (like my kids doing something they shouldn’t, for example) and if someone makes me laugh, game over. And no matter how hard I try to get serious again or be super stoned faced, it just doesn’t happen.

Try to be grateful and hateful at the same time. Let me know how it goes. I am curious. I cannot imagine a scenario where you can be angry, mad, hateful, whatever…and try to be grateful at the same time with success. I feel like gratitude will win with little effort every time.

You cannot be grateful and hateful at the same time. I approve this message:)