Last.Damn.Call

The shame, blame, and guilt attached to addiction can be stronger for women, especially mothers. Women report higher levels of stigma than men, and stigma is a known barrier to treatment seeking.

Historically, substance use disorder in women was considered a selfish, moral failure, that resulted in intentional harm to the family, child, and in terms of placing a burden on society. More current categorizations of substance use disorder however, acknowledge addiction in women as a treatable medical condition that impairs decision-making and overall cognitive function.

• SOCIETAL ROLES: Women have traditionally been the gatekeepers, caregivers, and central organizing factor in their family units. Stigma attached to addiction can be stronger for women and thus prevent them from seeking help. Prolonged isolation may also be common in stay-at-home moms or in cases where women have not had active employment outside the home.

The above section comes from: Women In Recovery – Recovery Research Institute

From the beginning of my recovery journey (upon leaving treatment because let’s be honest…that’s when the real work begins) I have wondered why there are many men in AA meetings and outspoken about recovery in contrast to the number of women.

I have always thought about the man of the house being the “strong one”, “the dependable one”, “the breadwinner”…all the things associated with being head of the household. And in a lot of houses, that is still somewhat true. Women also have different roles than they did 50+ years ago. Sometimes one income doesn’t cut it. Sometimes women need to work outside the home for a variety of reasons: sense of purpose, independence, feeling as though they contribute to finances, a variety of reasons.

So, why is it “easier” for men to admit defeat so to speak–ask for help? This seems like such a role reversal to me. A good one, but a reversal none-the-less.

My husband is hands down the backbone of our family. He does more than anyone in our house. Laundry. Cooking. Errands. All the things. We all pitch in, but he gets things done. So, in seeing him seek treatment and surrendering, it helped me to do the same. And to stay sober. Kudos to those of you going at it alone! Or without someone who is by your side, who truly knows what addiction is like. That must be hard. I see you even if you feel like no one else does.

But let me say something loud and clear for all you women to hear–YOU ARE NOT DOING ANY GOOD FOR ANYONE IF YOU DON’T TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. And that doesn’t just apply to addicts, recovering or not. It applies to mothers, sisters, aunts, friends, grandmas, all the gals.

I spent years scrambling. Of course, my drinking drove the majority of the chaos. But being a mom is tough enough without adding a very unnecessary substance to the equation. I scrambled to get kids here and there. Scrambled to sign up for volunteer stuff. Scrambled to meet deadlines for my kids’ homework, projects, fundraisers, whatever. Because that’s what moms do. Lucky for me, it was also what friends, family, and most of all my husband, that helped make those things actually happen.

When I decided not to renew my RN license, I was so torn. I had worked hard, passed the NCLEX, and worked as a nurse. Was I a failure if I simply quit? Gave it all up? In rehab, I thought about this more than I would like to admit. Really, really stressed about it. And I cannot pinpoint the exact moment when I decided, nursing doesn’t define me. And if it may hinder my progress in recovery, give it up. Simply quit. And I did. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am a quitter. But for me, an alcoholic, my entire existence of my career, posed a threat to my sobriety. So, while quitting a career may sound like an escape, something a quitter would do, it was the right decision for me.

My mother was a stay-at-home mom long before she was an alcoholic. That came later in my childhood. I always knew my laundry would be done and there’d be a meal on the table at the end of the day. I don’t think that made her happy. Maybe in the beginning it did. But once that love of home and family becomes a chore…not work…not a labor of love…but a CHORE, things fall apart. At least, that’s how I think my mom felt. Unappreciated. Probably. Unimportant. Maybe. A doormat. Most likely. And I think all that isolation and only taking care of family and not of herself took its toll. I will never have that conversation, but that’s what I think.

Fast forward…my sister, same story, same bloodline. Married men who “provided” while she did all the “mom” things. Hauling kids, packing lunches, cooking and cleaning. Her escape became alcohol. Isolating her from the world. It becomes a companion of sorts. One that says, “Sit here and hang out with me, and we will forget about how mundane your life is for a while.” And that’s where she stayed. Sitting with her bottle of booze until she left us. For good.

In short, if you are a woman and have a substance abuse problem, why don’t you seek help? Is it because you will have to leave your family? Sister, you left them long ago. In the bottom of a glass. Is it because someone will judge you? Chances are, that’s already happening. That hurts. And I know it does because I have experienced it. But you know what doesn’t suck…getting clean and sober and being a badass and letting everyone know you were strong enough to put yourself first. Not weak enough, strong enough. That’s real strength.

So, to all you women out there, thinking you don’t have time for treatment or help, you are wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong in thinking everyone would judge me. Pardon my language but screw them. You do what you need to do to get better. There’s always another job out there. There are always more kid events to attend. There’s always housework to be tackled later. There will never be another YOU. There will never be a better time to seek help. A more convenient time. You are being an inconvenience NOW. To yourself, your family, your friends, your coworkers, your future potential. Trapped in isolation. Trapped in addiction. Trapped by a substance, a thing, a captor disguised as a friend that is unforgiving and abusive.

Women, please do not do what you have always done and think you need to put everyone else first. If you do not handle yourself and your situation (whatever that may be) you are simply spinning your wheels. Stuck in the mud. The same shitty mud that will be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and the next. Always spinning and never getting out of the mud of life.

As always, reach out to me. I speak no one else’s truths. I do not gossip. I am a friend. Maybe you don’t necessarily like me–that’s ok. Trust me, I received some help from people I would rather never see again, but that doesn’t matter. I am alive. I am sober. I am a recovering alcoholic. And above all else, I am grateful.

My book is available–just click the link below.

LAST.DAMN.CALL.: M. Cox, Lindsey: 9798299331349: Amazon.com: Books