Last.Damn.Call

When I think about pain tolerance, I think of physical pain. So, I think back to my nursing days and when a patient would be sound asleep, and I would wake them up and ask them to rate their pain on a scale of 10/10. With 1 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain imaginable. We are all familiar with this, right? Ok, so, riddle me this…how are you literally snoring so loudly and sleeping so soundly that it takes me several attempts to wake you up, and when I ask the magical pain rating questions…you say, “Oh, definitely 10 out of 10.” So, what you are telling me is that you were legit having better sleep than I have ever experienced in my whole life, and once asked this question, you are suddenly in excruciating, intolerable pain. I call bullshit. But maybe that’s just me.

As humans, we tend to be very hardheaded, myself most definitely included. If I know by watching what I eat and exercising, I will still be able to zip my favorite jeans…then why don’t I do just that? Do what I know works. Instead, we look for magic pills and solutions to our problems. With physical issues such as blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, heart problems, etc…our doctor tells us fairly simple rules to follow. More water, less fatty foods, moderate exercise, no smoking, limited alcohol and sugar intake, and other seemingly simple things that can keep us healthy.

As a nurse, patients constantly complained about the side effects of their medications. I get it. But if you know by cutting out some unhealthy food choices and being somewhat active, you could possibly eliminate those medications…why don’t you? I am not finger pointing. Again, I get it. But I cannot tell you how many diabetics would “adjust” their insulin in order to splurge on desserts and such…and then complain about how terrible they felt afterward. Is that temporary satisfaction of enjoying that piece of cake and ice cream worth the after effects? Hell, I don’t know. Maybe.

The reason I bring this up is because as a nurse, I did find it frustrating when people would talk about things like having no energy and getting zero good, quality sleep…only to admit they drink coffee all day with almost no water in between. And that they refused to limit screen time before bed or go for a walk after dinner to unwind. Simple things that could easily aid in better sleep.

So, in turn, I got to thinking about emotional pain or turmoil (which can definitely lead to physical side effects). But, if we can tell someone how bad it is to smoke or to drink to excess, and be all judgmental in doing so, how can someone complain about emotional pain and not see the part they play in it? What I mean is…people who constantly complain about a family member, friend, significant other…but cannot seem to “remedy” it? If an asthmatic person is coughing their head off and vaping, wouldn’t anyone with common sense tell them it would be wise to stop? So, in turn, if someone treats a loved one like crap and makes them feel unwanted and unloved, why can we not see it as common sense to stop that nonsense as well? Tell them to cut ties with that person for their own personal sanity?

Because relationships are complicated. And not just the ones involving other people. Your relationship with yourself is most likely complicated. I know mine is. My relationship with alcohol was complicated. I felt like shit for drinking but couldn’t fathom a life without it. So, is that how people feel about “their addiction” to other people? Do we get addicted to relationships? For example, this person isn’t nice to you, but you cannot imagine a life without them? That’s how I would describe my relationship to substances. And it’s a terrible mind game. Luckily, I have never been the victim of abuse (except self-inflicted) in my adult life (childhood is another beast in itself, so let’s not go there right now.) I can only imagine what it is like to seek approval or love from another human and end up getting nothing but rejection and negativity. Again, that basically sums up my relationship with alcohol.

So, as humans, why do we do stupid things and not expect to receive stupid consequences? Letting toxic people reside in our space? What the hell do you think is going to happen? Life isn’t a Hallmark movie where their heart suddenly melts into this warm, fuzzy thing that welcomes in love and is happy to dish it out in return. Manipulators and bottom-feeders, as I like to call them, bet on people to let them do just that…manipulate and feed off of others. That is not love. In any form. If I were to relapse and get all stupid drunk and go for a drive, and get pulled over and arrested…would you not say, “What the hell did she think was going to happen?” Absolutely, and you would be 1000% correct.

So, let’s say someone you know only calls when they need something, and they never offer anything in return (love, friendship, kindness) and then you don’t hear from them again until the next crisis hits them, right? You are offended, hurt, maybe even feeling foolish for falling for this once again. Well again, I say, “What the hell did you think was going to happen?” It is no different. For whatever reason, we feel the need to assist and rescue others. Have you ever thought of doing that for yourself? Assisting yourself right out of a bad situation with a person? Rescuing yourself from being hurt and taken advantage of? Turn the tables–is the person that you are constantly bailing out willing to do the same thing for you? My guess is no. I could be wrong, but I have seen this story play out too many times to know that I am not.

What is your emotional pain tolerance? And is it more of a question of “What can you tolerate?” or “What are you willing to tolerate?” Ah hah. There it is, I think. What are you willing to sacrifice (meaning your feelings, time, heart, whatever you value) for others? As a Christian, I know it is important to give and to love. And unconditionally. But I also believe in self-preservation which means knowing and choosing how much of yourself to give and when. And when to stop if it becomes harmful to your own well-being. There’s a fine line between loving and being kind to others and being a doormat, to put it plainly.

It goes back to the whole “Can you love others if you do not love yourself?” A healthy self-love. Knowing how to set boundaries to preserve your own peace. That’s not selfish. It’s self-preservation. If you give all of yourself to loving and helping others without taking time to care for yourself, I think you are missing a big chunk of that lesson. It is better to give than to receive. But if you continue to give and have nothing left for yourself, then you are no longer able to give. You have depleted your resources. Drained yourself for people who don’t help you replenish that love.

We are in the season of giving, and I love that. I do. And I find myself having a hard time watching others struggle with soured relationships and love that may or may not need mending. Meaning, not all relationships need to be restored. Sometimes, distance is a good thing. Sometimes you need to take care of you. In a season of giving, do you find yourself giving too much of yourself? Or are you surrounded by people that help you feel replenished and leave your heart feeling full?

Be kind. Be giving. Be loving. Don’t forget to be those things to yourself as well. We sometimes forget to make that a priority as well.