Last.Damn.Call

I had something on my heart I wanted to share. Lately, I have been receiving quite a few messages from people I once knew–some from high school, some from childhood, some from college, some just random people from random places in time. And it has been amazing.

In sharing my story, I have found that I am not alone. Neither are you. None of us are. If you are reading this right now and have feelings of “no one could understand what I am going through” or “I am so ashamed of this situation” or “I feel so lost right now”…there’s so many others right there with you. If writing my story and sharing my thoughts has taught me one thing, it is that we are not alone.

I cannot speak for anyone else, so I will share how I felt in my darkest times. I am always afraid that somehow, I will forget what those times were like and become hardened to people who are struggling. That has not happened yet, and I hope it never does. It would be easy for me to say, “Ask for help. I did.” But we all know that is so much easier said than done. It is not easy. It is tremendously hard. And while remembering those dark times is hurtful, I am blessed with the opportunity to reach out to others and offer an ear to listen. I would never give that up.

There was a time (a longer period than I probably even realize) when I could barely drag myself out of bed. I remember hearing people saying things like they were unable to leave their house in the past when it came to their depression or anxiety or whatnot, and kind of blowing it off. But I truly can remember physically feeling like I would be better off if I just stayed and bed and never encountered another living soul in my life. Like I could sleep away my problems. Avoid my demons. Become invisible somehow. Like if I curled up in a tight enough ball and made myself very small, the world would go away.

Thankfully, it didn’t work. And thankfully, I had some people willing to go to some really dark places with me and convince me I wasn’t hopeless. I wasn’t a lost cause. I hadn’t passed a point of no return. It is easier than people think to fall into that place. Call it the devil, your own personal demons, the voices inside your head, the lack of self-esteem and confidence, some lingering message from a childhood bully, the voice of a partner who convinced you that you weren’t good enough, or maybe the words uttered to you by people you once called family. These stories we tell ourselves have infinite access inside our minds to bullshit and lies, and sometimes they become very real to us.

I can fully say, with complete honesty, I was taught at a young age by the people closest to me that I was destined to be a screw up. It was even a goal of theirs of sorts. It is hard to fully explain, but I can tell you my parents were not happy to see me succeed at anything because they were drowning in their own problems and willing to sink anyone and anything with any shred of hope down with them. Who does not want their child to have a better life than the one they were dealt? I know I consistently have this anger, this bitterness toward my parents, but I friggin’ know what I know and what I was taught to believe. And it was all a lie. It was a lie to keep other people small and insecure, and I truly am sorry they never got the chance to heal and grow, but I refuse to let that stunt my growth as a person, as a human, as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, and as a Christian. Not anymore. Let’s all take a moment to chuckle at the “stunting my growth” part as I still stand at 60 inches tall on a good day;)

Sharing my story, it has been very cleansing for me. It has also allowed me to grow in ways I never imagined. I think I have always been somewhat compassionate and kind but learning about others’ struggles and having people open up to me about some very their dark times, makes me slower to judge and quick to be kind. It helps me tremendously to know that people have overcome some great obstacles…it tells me that I can do the same. And that those of you facing something that seems too big to conquer–should never, ever give up. You reach out to me personally, and I will lend a helping hand. I may not have an answer, but I sure as hell have ears and a heart open to listening.

No one’s story is mine to share, so please know that I hold those emails, messages, texts, etc. close to my heart. And would never share your struggles or your story with another person. You have no idea how un-alone those messages make me feel. In the past week, I have had no less than 5 people reach out to me (from various places and times in my life) and tell me about their story. Whether it be a battle with addiction they overcame, with a relationship that almost ruined them, their struggles with trusting in God…those stories, those people tell me I am not alone. And neither are you.

I know that I cannot protect anyone from falling into a dark place. I cannot save anyone from addiction or from self-destruction or even self-doubt or insecurity. But sometimes, just sometimes, it helps to hear you are not alone. You are not wrong. You are not broken. You are not past any point of redemption. You are NEVER alone. Never tell yourself that. Pick up the phone, shoot someone a message, go to church or to a support group, do something…I can guarantee there is someone going through something similar. Or someone who can relate to your story. Don’t isolate. And never be ashamed to say you need help. Or that you feel alone. We have all been there. Everyone may not be a blabber mouth about it like me, but I don’t want anyone within my reach to feel like they are alone. I have been there, friend. We all have. You are not alone.