Last.Damn.Call

Have any skeletons in your closet? I do. Not as many I used to. I want to help you mold all those bones into one BIG-ASS scary skeleton. Now, take a tiny bone. Maybe a pinky finger. Make your peace, confess a wrong, admit a fault, apologize to someone, ask for forgiveness. Give that bone a proper burial. Say all the things you need to say. Wish it well. Say a prayer. Lay it to rest. Don’t try to bury the whole damn thing at once. That’s too much. Too overwhelming. My name is Lindsey Cox, and I am a recovering alcoholic. Through my life experiences, exploration of trauma, a boat load of excuses for my past behaviors, and lots of research, I want to help you bury all those nasty bones that haunt you on a daily basis. Maybe on an hourly basis. The intention of this blog is to help you heal from whatever Boogeyman lurks in the darkest corners of your life. From your past. From your present. Haunts your dreams. We can be grave diggers together down a dark, murky path, where there is indeed light peeking through at the other end.

lindseymariecox2024@gmail.com

Changing Ain’t for Sissies

My granny, rest her sweet little-smarty-pants soul, would always tell me “Gettin’ older ain’t for sissies.” At the very young (and quite adorable) age of 45, I am beginning to understand this a little more every day. Things creak that once didn’t (and I don’t mean doors-I mean body parts). I make strange noises when standing after sitting too long. I think about my shoe choices if I will be standing for too long. I say things like “back in my day” and “oh, do it while you’re young.” I fully say these things (most of the time) just to be funny. Every now and then, I do picture myself wielding a cane and yelling “stay off my lawn, you damn kids!” All in fun, of course. I feel like if you can make yourself laugh about things that will most likely become a reality one day, it makes it less daunting and maybe more humorous.

I was thinking about change tonight. I am obviously not sleeping, so my mind did the thing it does. Laid in bed and thought about how to dress for the cool weather tomorrow, wondered if I set my alarm (so I checked twice for good measure), got up to pee, laid back down and wondered if the dog needed to go pee, thought about how I might have drank coffee too late last night (like 6 hours ago), wondered if I locked my car, checked to see if I locked my car, then decided just to write to try to get sleepy. So, here we are. 1:00 am thoughts. Deep thoughts by Jack Handy. Look it up if that doesn’t ring a bell.

Change is hard. Staying the same is hard, too. I always hear you need to “choose your hard”. Which one is worth the headache or heartache or whatever the case may be.

My sister, Carmen, has been weighing on my heart heavily lately. I don’t know if it’s this weather she loved, the season, her birth month, can’t quite pinpoint it. I can say I miss her terribly. I can say I tried to help her. And before any asshats jump on this and tell me you tried to help her too, please don’t. I am not mad at you. I am not angry. Telling someone you know and love and care about–that the answer is “No”—is not an easy thing to do. So, I get that. It is a decision I live with daily that I could no longer tell her it was okay to continue killing herself–all the while I was doing the same thing. I told her “No”, and I have to stand steadfast by that decision because it was going to ruin us both.

So, to those of you pouring the drinks until the end and not having the balls to tell her enough was enough, I sound mad. I am a little. But you know what. I know that you cannot change someone. Changing ain’t for sissies. Standing up for the change you want so badly for yourself or others ain’t for sissies, either. I just want to be clear to those mourning her-I feel that. More than you could ever know. And while little sister is somewhat angry, there is a lesson we can all take away.

May be an image of text that says '"When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just just ike when they do want to, you cant stop them." Andy Warhol'

I realize this isn’t in the exact correct context, but survivor’s guilt is almost what it feels like. When you survive an accident or disaster and others don’t. Like why did I get to live and change and do all the things and she did not? It’s not fair. Carmen had a laugh that could rock a room full of people. A smile that you could spot a mile a way. A way of listening that made you feel like the most important person in that moment. And we all lost that when she left us. A little bit of magic escaped us right before our eyes.

Changing ain’t for sissies. Neither is telling someone they need help and standing by it until they decide for themself. I do not regret telling my sister “No” in the end. I couldn’t do it anymore. I wish others had made it to that point, too. I don’t know if she’d still be here, but we would have been able to say we did all we could. For now, I am left wondering if some people did too much. Not out of hate but out of what they might have mistaken as love. You can love people to death. Literally. Love them enough to be scared of losing them by saying “No.” Maybe we lost her because people confused love with never saying the word, “No.”

I miss my sister. Lots of people miss loved ones that left us too early. I am not unique in this. The loneliness of her not being here feels unique, but I know so many people with similar stories. I am unfortunately very un-unique when it comes to this–I wish it was a rare thing, but it is not. Learn how to help people who are important to you. And if simply saying “No” pisses them off or temporarily scares them away…I don’t know. I would rather have them somewhat disconnected from my life than witness them leave this life forever. Just some words from my heart to yours. Thanks for reading as always.

lindseymariecox2024
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