Last.Damn.Call

As a waitress once again in my life, I find the public…interesting. Let’s just say that. This is an incomplete chapter, but I felt like sharing. Enjoy. Be kind to your servers!

In a time and place long, long ago…way back in the early 2000’s (ha-ha) when cigarette smoking was a thing in restaurants, I smoked, too. So, I feel 100% guilt free in calling these bastards out for their behavior. Where do you put a cigarette butt once it’s finished?  In an ashtray, dumbass. Perhaps your bartender was busy and forgot to bring it back promptly after she discarded the ashes for the 50^th time. Use a beer can or bottle. It’s that simple. You know what you don’t do? DO NOT place it in a reusable, drinking glass. Why on earth would you think this is acceptable? Do you sit around your own home and put your old stinky butts in Nana Patty’s antique drinkware? I think not. So why in the world would you do this at a public place? And do not explain to me how the glasses get ran through the dishwasher. Just don’t even.

By the way, have you seen who washes dishes in restaurants and bars? No, you haven’t. And there is a reason for that.

And it is not why you are thinking. No, they aren’t some one-eyed mongrel chained to the sink we need to keep hidden in the back. Out of the public eye. It is a dirty, disgusting job. And there’s no way to stay clean. That’s it. No big secret. But if you washed dishes all day long in a slimy, sweaty back of the house kitchen area, you wouldn’t want people to see you. It ain’t pretty. I have known some very awesome dishwashers in my time. They tend to be deep thinkers (no clue—maybe all that standing and pondering what life could have been) and they usually smoke a lot of pot. No disrespect from me at all. Plus, lucky them. They don’t deal with actually communicating with the customers, so they are generally pleasant. At least in my experience.

So back to the nasty customer. I gave you napkins. Use them. Don’t make me talk to you with drippings of whatever hanging off your chin or looking at milk in your beard. And don’t use your sleeve! I seriously gave you napkins to serve a purpose. I swear I don’t think some people have ever eaten in public prior to having met me. Talking with your mouth full? Just why? Why, why, why? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Trash on the table. Why do you toss it under and around the table? WHY do you put opened, empty sugar packets BACK IN THE SUGAR CADDY? Is this a fun joke for the next customer? And something to make my life more hellish? It ain’t cute. Stop it. If you or your child eats like a damn gremlin, just scoop the crumbs together on the table for crying out loud. Or pile them onto a plate. I had a kid that was legitimately pouring sugar onto the table and then adding water to it per their straw to make a sticky helluva mess on the table. The parents thought it was cute. I did not. Quit being an asshat. Do you let you kids do this at your table at home? I think not.

This is just a short (incomplete) blurb from some of my current writings. More to come…Be kind to your servers. And tip for crying out loud:) Much love as always.